Round 5, the Finals!

We've finally made it to the finals! Hooray! This has been quite the journey. Our contestants have come a long way, winning matches against some pretty tough and interesting opponents. Between our two finalists, some great American Presidents got their asses handed to them, including Gerald Ford, George H. W. Bush and Ronald Reagan. Jackson even laid a beat down on our first President, George Washington himself.




It's been a long road to the finals, but we're finally here. Now it's time see how our two remaining opponents match up against each other. Prepare yourself for the Presidential Beatdown to end all Presidential Beatdowns! You know, cause it's, like, the last one and stuff...

To the Thunderdome!




Theodore Roosevelt vs. Andrew Jackson

We've already established our opponents both as total badasses. There's no disputing that fact. Who's more badass, though, has been a heavily-disputed topic in the comments these past weeks. And for good reason: both men are incredibly badass. It's nearly impossible to proclaim one as more badass than the other. On one hand, Jackson survived as a prisoner of war when he was only a child, during which time he also contracted smallpox. No biggie, though, he beat the disease. On the other hand, Roosevelt was known to go big game hunting. And not any typical big game, either, fucking bears and elephants and shit. That kind of unwavering courage doesn't come easily.

Each of our opponents have done some incredibly badass things, but they didn't spend every waking moment being badass. Such lapses in awesomeness might just be the dealbreaker we're looking for.

One such lapse is Roosevelt's poor eyesight. The necessity for corrective eye wear has been equated to nerdery for quite some time, but it's not a hard set rule. Just look at men who dramatically take off their glasses before saying "My God..." That's just awesome. Or Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami, who puts his sunglasses on before delivering the punchline to start the show.




So wearing glasses doesn't necessarily make you any less awesome, but Roosevelt was known to wear monocles from time to time. They say you shouldn't hit a guy with glasses, but nobody says anything about guys wearing monocles. You can go ahead and punch those assholes right in the face. Luckily for Roosevelt, it was just a phase. He eventually denounced monocles, opting to wear his classic Pince Nez style glasses during his inauguration. So as far as this match goes, his baddassitude is held firmly in place. No worry of him looking like a fancy asshole while he fights.

"But Matt, those glasses he wore were pretty fancy, too!" Yeah, they may be a little fancy, but you know who else wears glasses like those?



What's the point of monocles anyways? Do you have shitty eyesight in just one eye or something? "Oh, my left eye is terrible, but my right eye is 20-20. I guess I'll just wear a monocle until somebody invents Lasik eye surgery." Besides, monocles are flat out dangerous. Just imagine getting hit in the face while wearing a monocle. You're basically asking to have shards of glass punched into your eye. Roosevelt was this close to becoming a pirate.

Speaking of pirates, during the Battle of New Orleans, Jackson led a makeshift gang of slaves, crooks and pirates into battle against an actual army and won. By, like, a huge margin. How awesome is that?

At 6'1", Andrew Jackson was an imposing guy. What not many could see, though, was just how freakishly skinny he was, never weighing more than 145 lbs. He was also 61-years-old when inaugurated, which is really old even by today's standards. Normally, one would assume this means he doesn't stand a chance. He's either too old or too weak to stand his ground. His track record will show he's neither, fighting off assassins, soldiers, even bad genes.

Jackson came from a family full of total wussies. His father, at the age of only 29, injured himself while lifting a log and died. His mother, being a woman, was obviously even less of a man than he. Jackson also had two pussy brothers. Hugh, the eldest, died from heat exhaustion. Robert, the middle child, was caught along with Andrew as a POW. He also contracted smallpox, but unlike Andrew, Robert died from the disease. By the age of 14, Jackson's entire family was dead, leaving him an orphan. One would argue that coming from a family like this suggests an inherited weakness. But Jackson was a fighter. He pulled through even with the odds against him, meaning he's just that much more of a man to have survived such pathetic DNA.

With such amazing badassness coming from either side, this match is just too close. Our opponents are on such even ground that they would continue to fight forever. There just doesn't seem to be an end in sight. The stamina and perseverance of these two fighters would be a sight to behold. Almost as amazing a sight as seeing Roosevelt flying through the air to bodyslam Jackson.




No, our opponents are just too good at surviving. So to speed things up, we're going to shoot them both. Not to kill them, of course. We just wanna knock 'em down a few pegs. Each survived gunshot wounds before, so let's see how they handle a gunshot wound during the match!

Roosevelt was shot during an assassination attempt that took place while he was giving a speech. He had his written speech folded up in his breast pocket, along with a metal glasses case, which helped slow the bullet. Not only did he survive getting shot, but he finished his speech. And he was still able to give his speech from memory, which is helpful seeing as how there was now a large hole in his notes.

Jackson also survived an assassination attempt, but he was never actually shot. That didn't stop Jackson from beating the everliving shit out of that guy. He was shot during a duel once, though. Knowing his opponent to be the better marksman, he let himself get shot first. He took the hit, stumbled back a couple steps and clenched his chest. He then carefully raised his gun, took aim and fired. Some say he shot his opponent right in the dick. Awesome.

The thing is, though, getting shot now doesn't give Jackson an upper hand. He's not taking a hit in order to give himself the opportunity for a kill shot. He's just hurt. Plus, Teddy's hunting knowledge now comes into play, knowing where to avoid getting shot to minimize damage. He can also use his weight to his advantage, letting his fatness help absorb the blow. For the first time in the entire match, someone has an upper hand.

As mentioned in the last round, a good barometer for presidential awesomeness is being put on currency. And when it comes down to it, Jackson is on the $20 bill, but Roosevelt isn't on any currency. Teddy does, however, have his head carved into a fucking mountain.




Winner: