Round 4, the Semi-Finals!
As I expressed in the first announcement for the Presidential Beatdown, I'm not a big sports fan. But I was at a restaurant the other night and the NBA semi-finals were on. Some team was playing against whatever team Shaq's on now. And Shaq's team got their asses handed to them. This is the semi-finals; aren't these teams supposed to be near-equivalents? How does one team score over 30 points more than the other? That's just sad. And Shaq just looked tired the whole time. I know he's getting old, but damn, the guy looked miserably exhausted. And the worst part? I don't think I learned anything about the game or the players the entire time I was watching. I mean just look, I can't even remember the team names.
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The Presidential Beatdown will not make that same mistake. Your picks might not make it to the finals, but you better know you'll come outta this having learned something. So open wide and get ready to have some knowledge punched into your brain hole.
Match #1: George H. W. Bush vs. Theodore Roosevelt
So H.W. only served one term, huh? How the hell did he survive this long? It's almost as if he was systematically put up against the weakest opponents just so he could have the opportunity to kick his son's ass in the last round.
Don't get me wrong, Bush is a scary dude to go up against in the ring, but this is the semi-finals. How does he expect to face up against any of the remaining participants when he's basically been handed his entire bracket on a silver platter? The three other semi-finalists have all had grueling matches against top-notch fighters, soaked in blood and sweat, leaving the dome victorious after giving their all.
That's actually exactly why he expects to win. This has been a relatively easy trip to the semi's for Bush. He's spent very little energy getting to the top, whereas his opponents have struggled and bled for their wins. He may have to wait four minutes to attack, but he's ready and alert, just waiting for Tina Turner's shrieks to signal the start of the match.
But let's not forget who his opponent is: Teddy Roosevelt, a badass even by other badasses' standards. He's so much of a badass that he even makes other badasses look like just a bunch of normal dudes. Proof of his badassery has been told time and time again, but the highlight came in 1898, during the Spanish-American war. The United States army was weak after the Civil War just a few decades prior. To counteract this, President McKinley recruited 1,250 volunteers to assist in the war efforts. Mind you, this doesn't make McKinley a badass; he just organized stuff. He wasn't included in the competition for a reason, remember? You know who it does make a badass, though? The guy in charge of these volunteer soldiers, Lieutenant-Colonel Theodore Roosevelt.
And let's not forget the soldiers themselves. They volunteered to help fight. A rag tag group of misfit soldiers? Bad. Ass. And do you know what they called these guys? The Rough Riders. That's a movie just waiting to happen. All of these guys were badasses and Roosevelt was the man in charge. When you're so much of a badass that DMX names his rap crew after you, you know you're one of the big dogs. ARF! ARF! WHAT!
Winner:
Match #2: Andrew Jackson vs. George Washington
Jackson has easily received the most mixed reviews in the tournament thus far. Some champion him for being an absolute madman, others dismiss him for being old and physically inferior to the others. But here he is in the semi-finals. Some say he's only here due to having an easy bracket, others say him reaching the finals has been a given since the start of the tournament. With an opponent like George Washington, those opinions are definitely going to be put to the test.
User mayker gives a really good argument for Washington:
"George Washington would totally whip Andrew Jackson in a fight. He's a much bigger guy, for one. Any jaw punches from Jackson would result in splinters, and Jackson's much to crazy to come up with a good strategy, while Washington, being one of the most brilliant minds in American history, would be able to calculate each move before they happen- like that scene from Sherlock Holmes."
Now, as much as I enjoy reenacting scenes from movies, Washington is no Robert Downey Jr. If Sherlock Downey Jr. isn't able to see the future while he fights (which was a bullshit to begin with), he'd just pull out his somehow-able-to-be-carried-around-with-no-problem Iron Man briefcase and suit up (which was also bullshit). No, this would be a good ol' fashioned fist fight.
But what's this about any jaw punches from Jackson resulting in splinters? This is, of course, referring to Washington's wooden teeth. (A mouth full of wood? That's what she said. I am so sorry.) But why suggest that when Jackson punches Washington in the jaw, Jackson would get a bunch of splinters in his fist? There'll definitely be splinters, a whole lot in fact, but Jackson wouldn't be the one suffering from them. They're inside Washington's mouth! Remember the kind of pain you feared happens at the dentist when you were a kid? That fear will become a reality for Washington tenfold.
While Washington was a bigger guy, Jackson's craziness more than makes up for that. Crazy people don't need strategy; they just run in and wreck shit. A good barometer for presidential awesomeness is being put on currency, but both our opponents have received such praise. Jackson's on the $20 bill and Washington on the $1. But as user kingez77 says, "20 dollars is more than 1."
Winner:
Many of you saw this coming, but our final match will officially face off Theodore Roosevelt and Andrew Jackson! Tune in next to week for our epic conclusion!
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