Round 3!

The finish line is starting to look real close for our fighters right about now. The winners of today's matches will officially go on to the the semi-finals. The final four! It's kind of a big deal. Forget about winning the election or the birth of your children... after this, you're officially one of the best fighters to ever hold office!




I think it's interesting to point out the political affiliations in these last brackets. Out of eight Presidents, 5.5 are republicans and 2.5 democrats (Jackson was a Democrat-Republican, whatever the shit that means, so he counts as half for both). The Republicans are definitely dominating by more than 2:1, but the Democrats are still holding their own. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader sits in the audience, twiddling his thumbs, grumbling about how he could have beaten everyone if only all those stoners had remembered to vote.


Match #1: George W. Bush vs. George H. W. Bush

Well would you look at that. Bush vs. Bush! It's almost like I planned it. Yep. Total coincidence. Swear.

A father/son match-up like this is destined to be epic, as if it were out of an old Greek fable, like Oedipus just without all the sex-with-mom stuff. If you'll remember Oedipus, as predicted, the son ends up killing the father. Does this mean that Bush Jr. would kill H.W.!?

No. No it doesn't.

User Animurphs commented in the last round that H.W. wouldn't be able to hit his own son. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Bush Sr. would have absolutely no problem beating the hell out of his son. In fact, when faced against his own father, Bush Jr. would revert to an almost childlike state. This isn't really that big of a difference, though, so it's not a huge advantage to daddy Bush. But he does have a long history of whipping the crap out of him with his belt, which is exactly what'll happen all over again.



Winner:



Match #2: Theodore Roosevelt vs. Ronald Reagan

Let's take a brief glance at Reagan's road to the White House. Before entering into politics, Reagan was an actor in Hollywood, appearing in over 50 films throughout his career. During the Red Scare, he became very active in the disputes over communism in the film industry, sparking his interest in politics. Soon after, he was elected as the governor of California. Showing interest in running for President, he soon won the Republican Presidential nomination.

Doesn't this sound a little familiar? A popular actor elected as California's governor who shows interest in running for President? Sounds an awful lot like California's current governor, Arnold Schwarzenwhatever. I need not remind you how much of a badass he is. There's no question if he could beat up any President. Luckily for the rest of our contestants, it's illegal for immigrants such as himself to run for office. At least for now.

It looks an awful lot like Reagan shares a lot in common with a guy who is known to frequently beat up aliens and robots. Does Roosevelt even stand a chance against this guy? Of course he does. Quantifying one's fighting abilities to that of another man's fictional movie character's, based solely on similar political aspirations, is completely flawed logic. Whoever brought up the connection to begin with is obviously just padding this match with fluff, saving the good stuff for the final four. Look at that, three paragraphs of bullshit that has nothing to do with the fight at hand. Despicable.

Truth be told, Roosevelt has the obvious advantage. Both Roosevelt and Reagan were shot in assassination attempts, but after Roosevelt was shot, he noticed he wasn't dead and continued with his speech, bullet still inside him. Reagan, on the other hand, was immediately ran to the hospital. Roosevelt is clearly the bigger man (again, not a fat joke).

Winner:



Match #3: Gerald Ford vs. Andrew Jackson

As mentioned by user ViolentDiplomat in the previous bracket, "As tough and as badass as Andrew Jackson is, he's the Duke Blue Devil of this tournament. He has the easiest bracket ever." I can't help but agree with him. Jackson is an amazing contestant in this bracket, but hasn't really had the opportunity to show off. There's just so much badassery contained in this one man. Hell, he once killed a man for calling his wife a name. Dude is Crazy. With a capital C. I'd say Crazy was his middle name, but he was too badass for a middle name.

Gerald Ford would have made quite the formidable opponent, but once again that time limit is a killer. Ford only spent two full years in office, leaving Jackson with six minutes of unrestrained beating time. I don't care how much of a muscley meathead you are, six minutes of that crazy old bastard beating the hell out of you? Nobody is gonna survive that. Nobody.

We'll have to wait until the semi-finals to really see Jackson in action.

Winner:



Match #4: Abraham Lincoln vs. George Washington

As much as I like ol' Honest Abe, his limited time in office is finally catching up with him. Washington has a full four minutes on Lincoln. Ulysses S. Grant had the same time advantage in his fight with Lincoln, but Washington has one advantage he doesn't: he's a sleeper cell badass!

You wouldn't know it to just look at him, but Washington is just as much a badass as any other fighter in this tournament. That white wig hair? Just a ruse. Washington gains a great advantage by getting people to underestimate him and lower their guards. And when they do, it's all over. His blue eyes showed that of a kind romantic, but his fists in your face told otherwise.

Also of note: one of Lincoln's great advantages, his height, actually becomes a hindrance to him in this fight. Normally, a man of his stature gains an advantage with his long reach, but not this time. As was common during these times, the great minds of the New World were all eager inventors. Washington was no exception. While his contemporaries were inventing electricity and slavery, Washington was busy developing and refining... the uppercut. Yes, our first President was the original practitioner of the most popular of power punches. And he was damn good at it.

A tall man like Lincoln is the perfect target for an uppercut. After four minutes of wearing him down, it would only take one shot to Lincoln's chin to bring him down. His tactically-placed chinstrap beard would help soften the blow, but he's still getting punched in the jaw. He's going down. Or, well, up then down.



Winner:



And with that, we now have our final four! George H.W. Bush, Theodore Roosevelt, Andrew Jackson and George Washington. Next week begins the semi-finals! Tune in, non-sports fans!

How have your picks held up thus far?

Round 4 »