Round 2!

Welcome to The Presidential Beatdown. The first rule of The Presidential Beatdown is: you do not talk about The Presidential Beatdown. The second rule of The Presidential Beatdown is: you DO talk about The Presidential Beatdown! With everyone! Like on Twitter and Facebook and stuff. Third rule of Fight Club: one of the preceding rules is false. Fourth rule: none of the preceding rules are false. Fifth rule: this rule is false. And the sixth and final rule: if this is your first time at The Presidential Beatdown, you should probably read the other parts first. It makes more sense that way.




Match #1: George W. Bush vs. Benjamin Harrison

Having survived the first round, one major change now comes into play: every fighter has a working knowledge of the other fighters' abilities and fighting styles. Being from vastly different times, many of the first round matches pitted fighters against each other without either of them having any knowledge of their opponent. Now, though, each fighter is coming into the fight having seen their opponent face off before.

This small change makes all the difference in the matches to come.

In Harrison's previous match, our cutest President used his quickness to simply outlast his opponent, going for the easy and eventual win. With this tactical knowledge, even though he has the time advantage, Bush will choose to not attack. Rather than chasing Harrison around for four minutes, he instead saves his energy. A surprisingly wise move from a man so often compared to a chimp.

During the actual match, Harrison has an immediate advantage since his actual fighting style has yet to be seen, whereas Bush's aggressive offense was shown in full force during his match. This advantage comes with a false sense of superiority, though. One fight isn't enough to base your opponent's skills on. Harrison may have a decent idea of Bush's offense, but has no clue of his defensive abilities. Harrison will start throwing punches left and right, but Bush will be right there dodging one after another as if they were shoes being hurled at him by Iraqi journalists.

If there's one fighter in this tournament that shouldn't be underestimated, it's Bush.

Winner:



Match #2: Grover Cleveland vs. George H. W. Bush

Grover Cleveland might just be the coolest President of all time. Being really cool won't necessarily help you win in a fight, though. But that doesn't matter here, because Grover Cleveland is so cool he'll choose to forfeit this match just to see Bush Jr. and Sr. duke it out in the next round. Cleveland knows how great of a match that'd be and is such a cool dude that he's willing to give up his chance at gold to see that happen. Awesome.

He's forgetting, of course, rule #6: No forfeiting. This gives H.W. an ample opportunity to just wail on Cleveland while his guard is down.

I guess Cleveland got his wish after all.

Winner:



Match #3: Calvin Coolidge vs. Theodore Roosevelt

Coolidge had it real easy for his last match. A scrawny little dweeb like Harry Truman? Beaten in style. But this time he's facing up against Teddy Roosevelt, pretty much the complete opposite of a scrawny dweeb. Teddy, as his name may suggest, is built like a fucking bear. The dude is a stocky, one-ton bear of a man. He's huge, hairy and he really likes honey. And what do you to protect yourselves against bears? Play dead, of course!

This ultimately proves to be a big mistake, as tricking bears into thinking you're dead is much, much easier than tricking humans. Unflinching, Roosevelt begins a beatdown so severe that Coolidge will wish he was never born. He'll also wish I was never born, so as to not create a fictionalized fighting bracket where he is faced up against a monster like Roosevelt. And in the Thunderdome of all places? He was at a disadvantage from the start. He died decades before that movie was even made. Hell, he died over 20 years before Mel Gibson was even born.

Winner:



Match #4: Bill Clinton vs. Ronald Reagan

Like Coolidge, Clinton also had a fairly easy opponent for his first match, but this time around he's up against a real fighter. Clinton may have been an active, athletic guy, but when you're up against a badass like Reagan, it's gonna be tough.

And believe you me, Reagan was definitely a badass. As mentioned in the first round, Reagan survived an assassination attempt. This wasn't some pussy sniper hiding a mile away, either. A deranged man ran up to him with a handgun and let six bullets fly in the span of three seconds. Only one actually hit Reagan, and it was a ricochet, but it still counts. Reagan took a shot to the chest, the bullet coming within an inch of his heart. And what about Clinton? He took a shot on his intern's dress. They're just not the same.

Add to that the fact that, for some reason, Ken Starr is still sneaking around and spying on Clinton and you'll see just how big of a disadvantage he's up against. Over a decade after Clinton's precedency and that dude is still following him around? What a creep. Stuff like that is really distracting.

Winner:



Match #5: Gerald Ford vs. James K. Polk

In Polk's last match, we learned the he was referred to as the "dark horse" President, although at the time I had no idea what that meant. Well, I checked Wikipedia. It's not nearly as evil and badass-sounding as I imagined. In fact, it's the exact opposite.

A "dark horse" is a term used to describe a little-known person or thing that emerges to prominence. Politically, the term was first applied to James K. Polk, a relatively unknown Tennessee Democrat who won the Democratic Party's 1844 presidential nomination over a host of better-known candidates.

As awesome as "dark horse" sounded, all it meant was that Polk was an unpopular nobody before winning the Presidency. Sorry, James, but The Presidential Beatdown is a total popularity contest. This is high school all over again, buddy. While you're hanging out with the science club nerds and drama geeks, Gerald Ford was throwing keggers and fingerblasting teenage girls.

And this isn't like those bullshit movies where the nerds rise against their much cooler and macho oppresors and emerge triumphantly. This is real life. And nerds get beat up in real life.

Winner:



Match #6: Andrew Jackson vs. James Garfield

Last week, James Garfield was unceremoniously crowned King of the Losers. A president who was shot and killed after serving only one month in office, fighting a man who apparently did so poorly he couldn't get re-elected for a second term. Even Bush Jr. got re-elected. What gives, John Quincy Adams?

But this week Garfield is up against Andrew Jackson, a man who beat the shit out of his own would-be assassin when he was 67-years-old. This crazy, old codger gets seven minutes of free beating time? Garfield is so screwed.

Winner:



Match #7: Richard Nixon vs. Abraham Lincoln

Nixon was able to demolish his opponent in the last round with some questionable tactics, but don't think it'll work again this time around. Lincoln would be ready and waiting for a handful of dirt. And even if Nixon tried it, Abe's patented top hat would protect him. Not to mention Nixon would have to throw it really high to get him in the face. Lincoln was freakishly tall.

Since Nixon and Lincoln only finished 5 and 4 years in office, respectively, the first three minutes of the match would be limited to taunting and name-calling.

Lincoln: "Four score and one match ago, my opponent was announced the victor of his previous duel. But I say that victory was stolen from his opponent!"
Nixon: "Bullshit! I won fair and square!"
Lincoln: "Nay, you stole from your opponent a fair match. You, sir, are a crook!"
Nixon: "I am not a crook!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Are not!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Are not!"
Lincoln: "Are, too!"
Nixon: "Eat the double peace signs, bitch!"

Nixon would then have one minute to openly attack Lincoln without recourse. Sadly for him, one minute is just not enough time. Abe could take hits for a minute no problem. And once that minute was up, go time. Lincoln would lay punch after honest punch into Nixon's face, one after another, as if each punch would free another slave. Those flabbity cheeks could absorb some of the impact, but Nixon would eventually bow out.

Lincoln: "Are, too."

Winner:



Match #8: Barack Obama vs. George Washington

Since Obama hasn't officially finished his tenure as President yet, we still can't determine how much beginning waiting time he'll have. As with the previous match, we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and award him time for one full term. Sadly for him, that still leaves him at a four minute disadvantage against our first President.

Obama may be quite the masculine guy, but he's also a smoker. Trying to survive for four minutes of beating with smoker's lungs? You're just not gonna fair well. He'll get through it, but by the end of those four minutes he'll be in such bad shape that Washington would have an easy time finishing him off.

This winning streak would cause Washington to get quite the ego boost. He'd place his foot on top of Barack's unconscious body and reenact the crossing of the Delaware. Then he'd pull out a dollar bill, yell out "I'm number 1!" and drop it at Obama's feet like Chris Rock dropping his mic, except not nearly as dramatic since a dollar bill would just sort of float to the ground. And it wouldn't make any sound, either. You know, now that I think about it, it's not like Chris Rock at all. Maybe he'd drop a few quarters instead? His face is on those, too. Although that's doesn't give the same "number 1" imagery as a dollar bill would. Maybe he wraps a dollar bill around four quarters. That would be sorta badass I guess.

Winner:



Man, I see in The Presidential Beatdown the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation passing laws, signing peace treaties; slaves with white wigs. Secession from England had us chasing boats to the New World, working jobs we hate so we can buy tea without being taxed. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We've had a few Great Wars. A Great Depression. We've all been raised to believe that one day we'd all be presidents. And we did. And we're very, very pissed off.

Round 3 »