Round 1!
Recently, there was some big college sports event that everyone was talking about. Basket bowling I think it's called? It's the NCAA or NAACP or something, I dunno.From game-watching parties to office pools, nearly everyone is having fun getting in on the action. It's like a mini-Superbowl, although clearly not as good because basketball is boring as shit. The thing is, for those of us who couldn't give less of a crap about sports (eg: nerds), we totally miss out on all the fun of setting up brackets and making meticulous probability decisions on your team picks.
And nerds love that stuff!
So this is for you. A bracket tournament with a nerdy historical twist. Last week, we trimmed down our list of participants to 32 and set up our brackets. Let's take a look at those brackets again.
Click to enlarge.
Since the first round consists of 16 separate matches, we're gonna split it up into two weeks. Today's set will include the gentlemen on the left. Participants have been arranged in no specific order, so we'll see some interesting generational leaps in matches, like Bill Clinton vs. Thomas Jefferson.
Let's not waste any more time and just jump right in!
Match #1: John F. Kennedy vs. George W. Bush
Right from the get go, we have an extremely strong, but controversial match-up. JFK, of course, is one of the most beloved Presidents of all time whereas Bush is hated by the entire world. It's Democrat vs. Republican, a man who was assassinated vs. a guy who was almost killed by a pretzel.
That assassination is really what's gonna make this match a quick one. However hated Bush may be, he did serve a full two terms. JFK was killed after only two years in office. So according to rule #7, Bush pretty much gets free reign for six minutes. And Bush was in great physical shape during his Presidency. Mental shape, not so much, but physically he was at the top of his game. Hell, he spent more time at his ranch than the White House. The dude was active.
So for the second time, John will fall victim to the Kennedy Curse.
Winner:
Match #2: Benjamin Harrison vs. William Howard Taft
Benjamin Harrison is clearly the underdog of this entire competition. He only served one term, putting him at a disadvantage against a majority of the other participants, but god dammit if he isn't adorable. You just can't help but root for the guy. He was also relatively short, coming in at only 5'6." But as the old saying goes, it's not the size that counts, it's how well you use it to pleasure a woman. I'm not exactly sure what that has to do with one's stature in a fight, but it sounds fitting.
Taft also only served one term, so "Little Ben," as the Democrats referred to him, is on equal grounds time-wise. The match now comes down to pure physical prowess. Taft was a larger man, overweight by today's standards. He's often described as "jovial," which the New Oxford American Dictionary describes as:
- Endowed with or characterized by a hearty, joyous humor or a spirit of good-fellowship.
- Fat.
Winner:
Match #3: Grover Cleveland vs. Woodrow Wilson
Grover Cleveland, also known as the Walrus President, is one of the more interesting competitors. Out of the 44 Presidents, he was two of them. That's not a fat joke; he actually left office after his first term, only to return four years later. In combat terms, he knows when to lay low, choosing to strike when the time is right. A thoughtful opponent is a dangerous opponent.
Wilson, however, was no pushover. His successful re-election can mostly be attributed to his use of the slogan, "He kept us out of war." Mere months after winning the election, Wilson declared war on Germany. He really liked conflict. He even refused to listen to his doctors when they cautioned him from going on a national tour. A tour that, coincidentally, caused him to have a stroke that nearly killed him. He clearly doesn't know his own limitations. Upper hand: Cleveland.
Cleveland was also known for his deep seated hatred of "clever" names, like his opponent during his first run at President, James Blaine of Maine. Woodrow is a weird name to begin with, but his last name also started with a W, too, to which Cleveland would most likely respond, "Fuck your alliteration, Wilson."
Winner:
Match #4: George H. W. Bush vs. Rutherford B. Hayes
Both Bush and Hayes have only served one term each, leaving each on fairly even grou— JESUS CHRIST LOOK AT HAYES. Wow. We elected this guy? I wasn't aware there was a Homeless Professor Party. Who the hell supported his run for office, the Advocates for People With Crumbs in Their Beards? Was this guy a joke option on the ballot or something? How did we ever elect a stoner librarian? Good lord. No way this guy could ever spar against another man. Especially if they were sober.
Plus, Bush has more initials in his name.
Winner:
Match #5: Calvin Coolidge vs. Harry Truman
Truman was a tiny little nerd. Coolidge would stomp him and then hit on his wife.
Winner:
Match #6: Lyndon B. Johnson vs. Theodore Roosevelt
Now this is a match! On one side, Lyndon B. Johnson, the kinda guy that would take off his belt and smack the shit outta you with it if you even looked at him funny, against Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt, a guy who was nicknamed after a god damn bear! Both of these guys are men's men. LBJ could make grown men burst into tears by simply furrowing his brow and staring at them through squinted eyes. And Teddy had an awesome moustache.
In a fair fight, each of these men would be able to hold their own, resulting in what we can only imagine to be one of the greatest match-ups of the entire tournament. Sadly, it isn't exactly fair. LBJ, of course, first stepped into the white house as Kennedy's Vice President. He didn't become President until Jacki-O was sprayed with JFK's brain-guts.
Due to this late start, LBJ only spent a total of six years in office, meaning Roosevelt has a full two minutes of free reign beating time. Now, LBJ won't bow out that quickly; he'd take the two minutes in stride and still put up quite a fight, but LBJ's loss would be inevitable with a head start like that.
Winner:
Match #7: Bill Clinton vs. Thomas Jefferson
Clinton and Jefferson mirror each other in some very interesting ways. Clinton was known for being a strong supporter of physical fitness; Jefferson stayed indoors to write the Declaration of Independence. Clinton was an avid saxophone player; Jefferson stayed indoors to design houses. Clinton was a total ladies' man, hooking up with interns left and right; Jefferson stayed indoors and fucked his slaves.
Clinton, even with that whole looming impeachment debacle, still stayed in office for a full two terms. Jefferson doesn't stand a chance. It's not even close. Jefferson was a writer, not a fighter. Clinton would wreck him then pick up his sax and play everyone some smooth jazz.
Winner:
Match #8: Dwight D. Eisenhower vs. Ronald Reagan
Like the previous match, our two opponents seem to be complete polar opposites of each other. Eisenhower was a career soldier while Reagan was acting in Hollywood. Oddly enough, Reagan actually saw more action. Eisenhower was a commander, so he had a great wealth of military knowledge, but didn't do much actual fighting. He was a glorified desk jockey. Reagan, however, took a bullet to the chest during an assassination attempt. Of course, being the manly man that he is, he recovered quickly.
Eisenhower may be a masterful commander and military planner, but that doesn't help much in hand-to-hand combat. Plus, Reagan was one handsome son of a bitch.
Winner:
And there we have it! The first half of round one is now complete. You can see the updated brackets below. How did your picks hold up? Any big upsets? Did you actually put your money on Truman? God you're dumb. You should be ashamed of yourself. See you next week, loser.
Click to enlarge.