The recent election of Barack Obama as the first African American President was a huge milestone for the United States. When the announcement came that brisk Tuesday night, the minds of the entire nation were filled with one single thought: "How would Obama fair in a fight against the other US Presidents?"
This is, of course, just an extension of the age-old question of what President could kick the other Presidents' asses. Well, it's about time we figured out the answer. Now, without the ability of time travel, we can't actually see first hand who would win in a fight. What we can do, though, is make some really good guesses.
Introducing The Presidential Beatdown: a single-elimination tournament pitting Commander in Chief against Chief Executive.
In the following weeks, we'll be matching up Presidents in a tournament of fictional head to head bouts, divided into a 32-player bracket system, until only one is left standing. "But, Matt! There's been 44 Presidents!" That's correct, history nerd, but 44 participants doesn't make for very nice brackets. To include everyone, we'd have to let several Presidents automatically advance to the second stage without fighting. The last thing we want is a bunch of people crying foul when Bush Jr. gets a "bye" in the first round.
All we need to do then is trim up the list. There's plenty of Presidents who we already know have no chance of ever winning, so let's just get rid of 'em. We need to eliminate a total of 11 presidents to get our nice brackets. Luckily for us, they're really easy picks.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
The dude had polio and was in a wheelchair. Eliminated.
William Henry Harrison
Before even serving a month in office, Harrison caught a cold and died. What a pussy. Eliminated.
John Tyler
The first VP to ascend to the Presidency due to the death of his predecessor. So he was only in there by default. His detractors even dubbed his "His Accidency." Pun-liminated.
William McKinley
He was shot and killed by a deranged anarchist during his second term. Clearly, he lacks the instinctive defenses needed to win if he can't even spot a guy with a mohawk and leather jacket with a huge 'A' on it and studs all over. That really stood out back then. Eliminated.
Zachary Taylor, Chester A. Arthur and Warren G. Harding
Sickness, kidney disease and a heart attack, respectively. Eliminated.
Millard Fillmore
When the Whig Party collapsed in the 1850s, Fillmore refused to join the Democrats or Republicans, instead accepting his Presidential nomination under the Know Nothing Party. What the fuck, Fillmore? Eliminated.
James Monroe, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan
Just way too boring. Eliminated.
And we've now got our 32!
Click to enlarge.
Fight Rules
- Fighters are the ages at which they first entered office.
- No weapons allowed. Just hand-to-hand combat.
- Fights take place inside the Thunderdome.
- Nobody is susceptible to that high pitched whistle Mel Gibson had. Not even Gerald Ford.
- Matches last as long as necessary, only ending when an opponent is rendered unconscious. Or worse.
- No forfeiting.
- Fighters who did not complete a full two terms in office – whether due to failure to get re-elected, assassination, etc. – are penalized. When the fight begins, for every year not in office, they are not allowed to attack for a full minute. For example, a President who only completed one term will be unable to fight back for the first four minutes. They are allowed to block, defend and evade their opponent, but no attacking permitted.
And that's it!